Remember, you heard it here first…

A court has rejected a 60 year old mans attempt to invoke the ancient right to trial by combat, rather than pay a £25 fine for a motoring offence.

Leon Humphreys remained adamant yesterday that his right to fight a champion nominated by the Driver and Vehicle Licencing Agency (DVLA) was still valid under European Human Rights legislation. He said it would have been a “reasonable” way to solve the matter.

Magistrates sitting at Bury St Edmunds disagreed and instead of accepting his offer to take on a clerk from Swansea with “Samurai Swords, Ghurka knives or Heavy Hammers” fined him £200 with £100 worth of costs.

Humphreys, an unemployed mechanic, was taken to court after refusing to pay the original £25 fixed penalty for failing to notify the DVLA that his Suzuki motorcycle was off the road.

After entering a not guilty plea, he threw down his unconventional challenge. Humphreys from Bury St Edmunds, said “I was willing to fight a champion put up by the DVLA, but it would have been a fight to the death”

Just to prove that local Councillors and local authorities are real people and do have a sense of humour, here is a list of complaints which have been recorded at Councils across the country. To the best of my knowledge, none of these were logged at EHDC…

1. It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen…
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
22. My back passage has fungus growing in it.

Does The Sun Play Politics?

This Easter Holiday saw the unexpected and countrywide return of ‘The Sun’ despite Mother Natures long standing campaign to keep Bank Holiday weekends ‘Wet and Blustery’.
In a shock twist, it looked like The Sun was being drawn into politics as David Cameron commented that ‘The Coalition Government had worked tirelessly to get the weather to improve despite the effects of damaging policies and legacies left behind by the previous government which had kept it away’ Nick Clegg emphasised that the Liberals input and long standing policies for ‘niceness’ were key to the return of The Sun despite the Tory’s claims it was about long term traditional family values. Clegg added ‘More Liberal votes will result in more sunshine in the future for everyone’.

The recent warnings from the UK Office for Gloomy Outlook (The Met Office, not the Treasury) of further miserable weather had not alluded to the possible appearance of The Sun in case it did not appear, resulting in dashed hope and criticism for foolishly suggesting it may come out over a bank holiday weekend. Following last years ‘Hosepipe Ban’ warning from the Met Office in what turned out to be the second wettest year on record, and the ‘BBQ summer’ of 2009 which was the wettest year on record, no one from the met office was available to comment.

Commentators probing into the previous governments handling of The Weather observed that their current leader, Ed Milliband was previously Climate Change Secretary, and some of the decision making into ‘The Weather’ during Labours governance is highly questionable. “Labour were handed an environment which was warming nicely and totally wrecked it”. While, on the handover of power to the Coalition a note was discovered in the treasury stating that ‘There is no money left’ a similar note in the Sun Committee Review Environmental Warming Estimation Department (work out the acronym) said ‘The trouble with global warming is that it is b@!!@(£$, there is no evidence for it at all’.

The appearance of the sun has had effects in other areas too with The French blockading channel ports claiming we had exceeded our quota of The Sun. Alex Salmond would be first King Emperor President of Scotland stated that ‘Scotland would get the greatest share of The Sun from the UK regardless of any nationalisation or EU rules, and another row in The Mail as controversial columnist Littlejohn claimed it was ‘The fault of Gay Marriage and our immigration policies’. Meanwhile, at the other ‘The Sun’ a sign of relief was heard by Rupert Murdoch as this current issue of SUNGATE is the first not to affect the evil old so and so.

The Roman Landings BC55.

This cartoon appeared in the now defunct ‘The Morning Leader’ newspaper circa 1910, some 100 years ago. The caption reads “The currently accepted story of this event mentions considerable opposition on the part of the British, but it is more likely the Municipal Dignatories gave the Roman invaders an even more painful reception”

How we have we changed in the last two millenia… If you have a view on this, oh, please DO let me know…